Attachment Styles: Why You React the Way You Do in Relationships

Have you ever felt completely calm in a relationship one moment and emotionally unhinged the next — all because someone took too long to text back?

Or maybe closeness feels great… until it doesn’t, and suddenly you’re craving space like it’s oxygen.

That’s not you being dramatic or “bad at relationships.”
That’s your attachment style doing what it learned to do a long time ago.

Attachment styles help explain how we connect, cope, and communicate in relationships — romantic, platonic, family, and even professional. Understanding yours can be one of the most validating (and mildly uncomfortable) steps toward healthier relationships.

Let’s talk about the main attachment styles, what they look like in real life, and why none of them mean something is “wrong” with you.

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment styles develop early in life based on our experiences with caregivers and close relationships. They shape how safe we feel depending on others, how we handle conflict, and how we respond to emotional closeness or distance.

The four commonly recognized attachment styles are:

• Secure attachment

• Anxious attachment

• Avoidant attachment

• Disorganized attachment

Most people don’t fit neatly into one box — attachment exists on a spectrum and can change over time.

Secure Attachment: Comfortable With Closeness and Independence

People with secure attachment tend to:

• Feel safe depending on others while maintaining independence

• Communicate needs directly

• Handle conflict without emotional shutdown or panic

• Assume relationships can be supportive, not perfect

Secure attachment isn’t about never struggling — it’s about having enough emotional safety to repair when things go wrong.

And here’s an important reminder: secure attachment can be developed later in life. You don’t have to have grown up with it to experience it.

Anxious Attachment: When Connection Feels Urgent

Anxious attachment often shows up as:

• Fear of abandonment or rejection

• Overthinking texts, tone, or silence

• Seeking reassurance but worrying you’re “too much”

• Feeling emotionally activated when closeness feels uncertain

This attachment style usually develops when care or connection felt inconsistent early on. The nervous system learned to stay alert to protect the relationship.

Anxious attachment isn’t a character flaw — it’s a survival strategy. With support, people can learn emotional regulation, self-soothing skills, and healthier communication.

Avoidant Attachment: Independence With Emotional Armor

Avoidant attachment may look like:

• Strong value placed on independence

• Discomfort with vulnerability

• Pulling away when relationships get emotionally intense

• Feeling overwhelmed by others’ needs

Often, avoidant attachment develops when emotional needs weren’t consistently met, or when independence was rewarded early. Distance became a form of safety.

Avoidant individuals aren’t unemotional — they’ve just learned to rely heavily on themselves.

Disorganized Attachment: Wanting Closeness and Fearing It

Disorganized attachment includes:

• Mixed signals around closeness

• Intense emotional swings in relationships

• Difficulty trusting others and oneself

• Feeling stuck between wanting connection and wanting escape

This attachment style is often connected to early experiences where safety and fear were intertwined. Healing requires trauma-informed care, patience, and compassion — not pressure.

Can Attachment Styles Change?

Yes. Absolutely.

Attachment styles are adaptive, not permanent. Through therapy, mindfulness, nervous system regulation, and intentional relationships, people can move toward what’s known as earned secure attachment.

At Elevated Minds Counseling & Wellness, attachment work focuses on understanding patterns without judgment, building emotional safety, and helping clients respond rather than react.

If This Sounds Familiar

If you recognized yourself in one (or several) of these descriptions, you’re not broken — you’re human.

Awareness is the first step. From there, real change becomes possible.

Brooke Spradlin, MS, LPC, RYT 200
Elevated Minds Counseling & Wellness

This content is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for individual counseling or mental health treatment.